Here it goes… I am summing up the past year with our Benson Jude. I already have tears in my eyes. Here we go.
Our Benny was born in the middle of a pandemic. I was nervous about having postpartum anxiety for the second time. Throw in opening day of baseball one day prior to him being born. Throw in not being totally certain when Tucker would be able to see us again after his 72 hour paternity leave. *Cue a very upset 3 year old having to share his daddy with the world again after being together for a solid 9 months*. There were so many unknowns. It all changed when that 8 lb 14 oz chunk of love was placed on my chest. He filled my heart with so much love. So much happiness. So much purpose. A drive that I hadn’t ever felt before that moment. The purpose to keep our family going. Our precious surprise baby has been exactly what we all needed. He was a constant reminder during one of the scariest times of our lives that we had everything we needed right in front of us.
He made me slow down. We swayed at 2 am. We stayed in pajamas day and night. We drove to get milkshakes for Tatum just to get out of the house. We found adventure in going on walks to search for rocks with Tatum. I saw so many sunrises that took me back to my first postpartum. I saw a former version of me begging God to let me rest and take the weight off of my chest. This time I saw the beauty of the sunrise and felt empowered to care for my babies. The bond I shared with Benny in the newborn fog is something I thought I would never experience. I felt myself slowing my breathing to match his. I felt a connection that came so easily. I won’t lie…I also felt a twinge of guilt that it didn’t Come so easily with Tatum. I felt guilty that I could sleep when Benny slept. I felt guilty that I didn’t google all of the things 24/7. I felt guilty that I suffered after Tatum. Sometimes it felt like something was wrong to not be a ball of stress and tears. I reminded myself that I deserved this bliss. I patted myself on the back for the work that I did for my mental health to enjoy these moments. I closed my eyes and pictured me hugging the former me…the new mama who felt so broken to the core on her bathroom floor. I wiped tears away as I thanked the good Lord above that he gave me another chance to have another baby. Extra thanks for letting me enjoy that season of life the second time.
Benny Jude…you fill my life with so much love. You introduced me to a new version of myself. A softer me…physically and emotionally. You have such a sense of calm about you. You are just happy to be here. Happy to be in the chaos of Tatum crashing Nascars, throwing baseballs, pulling you by the legs, the back and forth travel that is our life of baseball. You are just so dang happy. You find the perfect spot on my shoulder to snuggle. Your chubby hands find the perfect spot on my chest. My hands find Your fluffy hair as I breathe in the most perfect scent of baby. I want to bottle it. I want to pause time. It’s bittersweet that you are turning one. I celebrated when your brother turned one because I made it. I cry that you are turning one because my goodness. It has gone by too quickly. I cannot get enough of you. When you resist a nap whether it’s teething (let’s be honest….you have been teething for a solid 9 months and my poor arms have the bruises to show it) or a leap I find myself soaking in the snuggles. I know one of these days it will be the last time you cry out for me so often. You are sheer perfection. I can’t wait to take you to night games (you are not adjusted to that baseball life schedule). I can’t wait for you to run and play with Tatum. I can’t wait to find out what you love…what’s your thing. Will it be Nascar? Will it be golf? Will it be karate? I can’t wait to hear you talk to us. I can’t wait to see your personality shine even more.
But for now…for now I will soak up every last bottle feed, burping you, watching you crawl, kissing those chubby cheeks and I will forever love the brown stripe in those crystal blue eyes. You are the easiest part of our lives. You pushed me to be a better me before we even met. You gave me the strength to ask for help. You brought us a “village” that people speak of…everyone gathered for you. for me. for us. It was all hands on deck. I am utterly in awe of you. of our journey together. My heart is so full. You are the cherry on top to our family. Here’s to celebrating and never forgetting how beautiful our first year was together. The world was shut down but we thrived making memories in the comfort of our home. we did it, baby. Happy first birthday, my sweet baby. I love you so much that it hurts in the best ways.
All of the love for my Benny Baby,
Mama B
*My sweet Tucker…thank God for YOU. You wouldn’t go back to Cincinnati until I had formula for Benny. You saw me slipping and you helped me. You took the weight of what I thought was taking an easy way out and helped me be the best me for our babies. You encourage me. You love me. You watch trash tv with me. You are my partner in parenting. You make sure we are good. You spoil me. You have my back. You are strong when I am not. You are everything to me. What a beautiful ride we’ve been on this past year. You are the most incredible daddy to our boys. You get me. I love you so damn much. Thank you. Let’s eat cake at midnight tomorrow. I love you. Forever and ever.
**A note for all of my PPA mamas…I took the PsychedMommy course (she is on Instagram) and it made a world of difference for my mental health. If you are struggling with PPA/PPD You are in my thoughts and prayers. You are brave and strong to ask for help!!!