benson jude barnhart

   I can’t believe it’s been over a year since i’ve last blogged.  A lot has happened in a year. my first post back is all about our sweet benny b…benson jude barnhart.

 let me preface this post by saying that I just poured a second glass of cabernet, tucker is in the basement watching football and has tatum’s monitor while I am in the office -aka the collection of random ass papers that have collected over the years, baseball gear and all of the books that i’ve read…oh and a frame that holds a photo of a smiling 18 year old me in an ole miss cheer uniform #inmyprime- and watching benny’s baby monitor like a hawk. okay now that y’all can somewhat visualize the scenario…let’s dive in!

   last offseason tucker and I were invited on the reds cruise. we figured we could escape for a few days and enjoy a nice vacation before we started trying for baby #2 in february. we enjoyed that cruise so very much. unlimited alcohol, food, spa days, more alcohol, enjoying the nightly entertainment featuring a woman we named “tiny dancer” who thought she was the star of the cruise ship every single night in her ball gown, the “club” that featured only me on the dance floor singing lizzo (AVERAGE AGE ON THE CRUISE WAS PROBABLY 72 AND THEY WEREN’T FEELING LIZZO), really amazing stories from former reds players, tucker got to prank marty (his favorite thing to do), oh and more alcohol. it really was the best time. we flew home from the cruise and got right back to parenting. then we flew to nashville for our anniversary. then we flew to arizona for thanksgiving. you get where i’m going with this??? jet lag, right? oh, I thought I had the worst jet lag. I was exhausted. lost my appetite. because I was just so dang tired. my parents and sister came to arizona for thanksgiving and my mom said “go take a nap and when you get up we’ll have prickly pear margaritas!!!!” sounded perfect. I napped. felt worse. showered. oh wowwwwww. the water pressure must be higher than I rememberED because my boobs were about to fall off from the pain. ha….I know this game. better take a pregnancy test…I go out to the kitchen and my mom said “margarita?!?” yeah….i’m waiting on a pregnancy test to show a negative real quick BC WE WERE ~SOOOO~ CAREFUL. bam. positive.”pregnant” it read. wait. what? how did this happen!?!??! oh yeah, the reds cruise. that’s how that happened. A few drinks. parenting responsibility on hold WHILE WE vacationED. little romance. you know the drill. I immediately facetimed tucker (who was golfing with my dad and 2 strangers) and said “LOOK!!!!!” AND HE SQUINTED…”WHAT??” I REPLIED “YEAH…WE’RE HAVING A BABYYYYYYYYY.” AND THEN HE BOUGHT SHOTS FOR EVERYONE AND WE BOTH CRIED. TEARS OF JOY AND MAYBE A LITTLE NERVES CONSIDERING THE ABSOLUTE BASKET CASE THAT I BECAME AFTER TATUM. 

   I MADE IT MY MISSION TO PREPARE MENTALLY AND EMOTIONALLY FOR THE FEAR THAT LIED AHEAD OF ME. POSTPARTUM ANXIETY SAT IN THE BACK OF MY MIND NEARLY ALL OF MY PREGNANCY. COULD IT HAPPEN AGAIN? WOULD IT BE DEPRESSION? COULD I TAKE CARE OF TATUM AND A BABY IF I WAS THAT ANXIOUS AGAIN?? WAIT, WHEN AM I DUE? OH JULY 31. GOOD DURING THE SEASON BUT NOT TOO MUCH SEASON LEFT. 2020 AND COVID THEN SPIT AND LAUGHED IN OUR FACES. I LOADED UP WITH TATUM AND FLEW HOME FROM ARIZONA EARLY BECAUSE WE WERE SCARED WE WOULD BE STRANDED IN ARIZONA. AFTER TUCKER GOT THE NEWS THAT THE SEASON WOULD BE DELAYED HE LOADED UP MY YUKON AND DROVE FROM ARIZONA TO INDIANA. WE SPENT THE NEXT 3 MONTHS PREPARING FOR OUR SWEET BABY, TALKING ABOUT THE FUTURE, ME CRYING WITH FEAR ABOUT THE PANDEMIC, WISHING LIKE HELL I COULD HAVE WINE OR A SHOT OF FIREBALL BC PREGNANCY DURING A PANDEMIC PHEW LORDDDT (MAKING UP FOR THE DRINKING AS WE SPEAK), LISTENING TO TUCKER PACE AROUND THE BASEMENT ON UNION CONFERENCE CALLS NUMEROUS TIMES A WEEK, ADJUSTING TO THE NEW NORMAL OF LIFE AND IN THE MIDST OF CHAOS WE FOUND COMFORT IN JUST BEING. BEING TOGETHER. BEING HOME. BEING THERE FOR EACH OTHER…EVEN THOUGH HE COULDN’T GO TO OB APPOINTMENTS WITH ME. OH YEAH, WE ALSO WERE PREPARING FOR THE WORST CASE SCENARIO THAT IF HE RESUMED THE SEASON AND GOT COVID OR WAS EXPOSED WOULD HE BE ALLOWED IN THE HOSPITAL? SO MANY UNKNOWNS. FAST FOWARD TO JULY 24…OPENING DAY. 

   OPENING DAY JULY 24,2020. AWESOME. WE WERE SET TO INDUCE JULY 25. BENSON WAS A BIGGG BOY. I HAD PUPPS RASH. MAMA WAS READY. TUCKER CAME HOME TO INDY AFTER THE GAME AND WE HEADED TO THE HOSPITAL AT 4:30 AM ON THE 25TH. I KNEW THE DRILL. I WAS INDUCED WITH TATUM. CYTOTEC, PITOCIN, EPIDURAL, BABY. THIS TIME IT WENT MORE LIKE…CYTOTEC, PITOCIN…PITOCIN…PITOCIN..EPIDURAL………………BABY WOULDN’T DROP LOWER…..EPIDURAL TOP OFF BUTTON….NAUSEA…TURN THE FUCKING PLAYLIST OFF I DON’T WANT TO LISTEN TO TWERK RADIO LIKE I THOUGHT I WOULD……EPIDURAL TOP OFF….WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH THE EPIDURAL….TURN THE LIGHTS OFF …GET ME ICE CHIPS…..GET A WET RAG…..CALL THE DOCTOR…..WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH THE EPIDURAL…..OH, GOOD…ANESTHESIOLOGIST CAME BACK IN AND SAID BASICALLY “THIS IS AS GOOD AS IT’S GETTING”. COOL. 30 MINUTES LATER I FELT ALMOST EVERY SINGLE BIT OF THAT DELIVERY. BENSON JUDE BARNHART. 8 POUNDS 14 OUNCES. 21 INCHES LONG. BEAUTIFUL. I STARTED SHAKING UNCONTROLLABLY WHICH MADE TUCKER PRETTY NERVOUS. I THEN TOLD HIM I FELT DAMN NEAR EVERY BIT OF THE DELIVERY. I GOT WARM BLANKETS AND APPLE JUICE. I FELT LIKE A BAD ASS. I WAS EXHAUSTED. I WAS SO GRATEFUL FOR MY OB WHO CAME IN ON A SATURDAY TO DELIVER OUR BABY AND MAKE SURE I FELT SUPPORTED. I FELT SUPPORT FROM EVERY DIRECTION I TURNED. I FELT SAFE. WE LEFT THE HOSPITAL 24 HOURS LATER AND TOOK OUR PRECIOUS BENNY HOME TO MEET HIS BIG BROTHER. WATER. WORKS. HOLY EMOTIONAL. TATUM SEEMED LIKE HE WAS 12. NOT ALMOST 3. IT WAS THE MOST BEAUTIFUL MEETING.

   TUCKER LEFT 72 HOURS AFTER BENSON WAS BORN. I WAS A WRECK. HE WAS A WRECK. I WAS SO WORRIED ABOUT HIS HEALTH AND OBVIOUSLY HE WAS WORRIED ABOUT MY MENTAL HEALTH. I FELT GOOD. I FELT LIKE I WAS ON CLOUD 9. WE DECIDED THAT I WOULD FORMULA FEED SINCE THAT WAS A HUGE TRIGGER OF ANXIETY FOR ME THE FIRST TIME AROUND. IT HAS BEEN THE BIGGEST BLESSING AND RELIEVED SO MUCH ANXIETY. TWO WEEKS WENT BY. WE GOT TO SEE TUCKER AGAIN. THE ADRENALINE STARTED TO WEAR OFF. POSTPARTUM ?ANGER? KICKED IN. I STARTED RESEARCHING MY FEELINGS..AH HA. POSTPARTUM RAGE. YEP, THAT’S ME. POSTPARTUM MANIAC THIS TIME AROUND. I WAS ANGRY. ANGRY THAT 72 HOURS DIDN’T FEEL LIKE ENOUGH TIME TOGETHER. ANGRY THAT COVID PREVENTED FAMILY FROM MEETING BENSON AND BEING THERE FOR ME AND TATUM. ANGRY THAT TUCKER WAS GONE AND PLAYING DURING A PANDEMIC. ANGRY THAT PEOPLE WERE BEING SO DOWNRIGHT HATEFUL ABOUT HIS PERFORMANCE ON TWITTER. ANGRY THAT TUCKER GOT TO SLEEP AT NIGHT WHILE I WAS AWAKE AND THEN CARING FOR A VERY EMOTIONAL 3 YEAR OLD. JUST A LOT OF ANGER THIS TIME. I TALKED TO MY OB. I TALKED TO MY FAMILY. MY FRIENDS. OF COURSE TALKED TO TUCKER. STARTED TAKING MAGNESIUM SUPPLEMENTS. STARTED GETTING FRESH AIR. HIRED A NIGHT TIME DOULA 2X A WEEK WHILE TUCKER WAS AWAY PLAYING TO REFRESH MY HEART AND TIRED EYES. I STARTED HELPING ME.  I KNEW THE CYCLE OF POSTPARTUM…IT’S A VICIOUS CYCLE. I GOT AHEAD OF IT THIS TIME AND PUT MY NEEDS FIRST SO MY KIDS COULD HAVE A BETTER ME. I STILL STRUGGLE WITH SOME RAGE FROM TIME TO TIME. IT’S USUALLY FROM NOT MUCH SLEEP. I KNOW MY TRIGGERS. I SAY IT OUT LOUD AND I AM FREE. I APOLOGIZE. I PRAY. I AM THANKFUL THAT I DON’T HAVE ANXIETY. I CAN SLEEP WHEN MY BABIES SLEEP. I CAN TURN MY MIND OFF. I FEEL LIKE ME. WITH LIKE A SEVERE CASE OF PMS SOMETIMES. BUT HEY…I’M WORKING ON IT. IT’S FREEING TO BE VULNERABLE AND I KNOW SOMEONE OUT THERE WILL BENEFIT FROM ME SHARING. POSTPARTUM ANXIETY/DEPRESSION/RAGE/ALL THE THINGS DO NOT DISCRIMINATE. 

   THE PAST WEEK AND A HALF HAS BEEN WONDERFUL. TUCKER IS HOME. IT’S THE OFFSEASON. WE’RE FINDING OUR GROOVE. I HAVE MY FINE ASS CHEF HOME. I ACTUALLY GET TO EAT AGAIN AND NOT A HANDFUL OF M+M’S AS I’M RUNNING TO HELP TATUM GO POTTY OR RUNNING TO MAKE BENSON A BOTTLE. I GET TO EAT AND ENJOY AND REST AND LOVE ON ALL MY GUYS. WE DID IT. WE MADE IT THROUGH HAVING AN IN SEASON BABY. ONE THAT I PLANNED TO TRY AND HAVE IN NOVEMBER BECAUSE THE FEAR OF POSTPARTUM AND BEING ALONE SHOOK ME TO MY CORE. HERE I AM. I DID IT. I SHOW UP EVERY SINGLE DAY FOR THOSE BABIES. FOR ME. FOR TUCKER. I AM PROUD. THAT SWEET, SWEET 15 POUND ICE BLUE EYED BABY BROUGHT OUT A MATERNAL SIDE TO ME THAT I THINK WAS A LITTLE MORE HIDDEN AWAY DURING MY FIRST TIME AROUND. I’M USUALLY CALM. I RUB THOSE CHUBBY CHEEKS AND LIVE FOR THE DIMPLES THAT SHOW WHEN HE SMILES. I SNUGGLE UP FOR A NAP WITH HIM WHEN HE JUST DOESN’T WANT TO BE PUT DOWN. I TAKE A SECOND LONGER AND WATCH THE LITTLE THINGS. THE WAY HIS MOUTH TURNS TO ONE SIDE WHEN HE COOS. THE WAY HE CROSSES HIS HANDS OVER HIS CHEST. THE SIGH AS HE FALLS ASLEEP WHEN I’M ROCKING HIM. THE SMELL OF HIM. EVERY LITTLE THING. MY SURPRISE BABY. MY DREAM BABY. I HAVE A THEORY HE LIKES TO WAKE DURING THE NIGHT JUST TO GIVE ME MORE TIME BECAUSE ONCE HE SLEEPS THROUGH THE NIGHT WE WON’T MEET AT MIDNIGHT FOR A SLEEPY MILK SMILE. IT GOES SO FAST. MY HEART SOMETIMES HURTS THINKING ABOUT TATUM GROWING SO FAST. THEY ARE MY STRENGTH. 

   TUCKER, ONCE AGAIN YOU ARE MY ROCK. YOU LOVE ME THROUGH THE TOUGH TIMES. THE TIMES THAT I FEEL LIKE I SHOULDN’T BE LOVED, YOU’RE THERE LOVING ME THROUGH IT. YOU CHEER ME ON. YOU MAKE ME BETTER. YOU REMIND ME THAT EVEN WHEN YOU AREN’T HERE, YOU’RE STILL SUPPORTING ME. I AM SO PROUD OF YOU. PROUD OF THE DAD THAT YOU ARE. PROUD OF THE BASEBALL PLAYER THAT YOU ARE. PROUD TO BE YOUR WIFE. JUST SO DAMN PROUD OF YOU. FINEEEEE ASSSSSSSSSSSSS. 

   A VERY LONG WINDED RECAP OF INTRODUCING OUR BENNY B!!!!

             ALL OF THE HUGS TO THE MAMAS OUT THERE. WE ARE ROCKSTARS,

                                                   MRS. B