Lately

It’s been a while since I’ve written a blog post. I just haven’t been in the mindset to type freely. Honestly, every blog post I’ve ever written has been typed in less than an hour because it flows freely and is always my truth. Before tonight I just didn’t feel like I was in the place to type freely and honestly. Life is a roller coaster of emotions and while this season has been great it has also been challenging. Twitter judging has been on oneeee this season. Really got me down at times but lately it hasn’t phased me as much. Not trying to promote #prattdaddy crystals but also v zen when I wear them. Anyway, tonight I feel compelled to share my emotions. A topic that is so very dear to my heart…postpartum life.

Tatum turns 2 at the end of this month and I can’t even believe it is almost that time!!! I remember last year I celebrated the shit out of getting to one year because there were days that I truly hit rock bottom. One year was a celebration that we did it, we made it. I was parenting solo a lot of the time during the season. I felt accomplished. Celebrating two years feels much lighter. Much happier. Not just marking that we survived but we enjoyed damn near every moment…teething and all.

Tucker is on the road and I decided to stay back with Tatum and fill the days with fun activities like going to the aquarium, the park and enjoying strawberry popsicles while the sun sets. I cherish the days that it’s just the two of us because it’s rare that our evenings don’t revolve around baseball. I soaked it in tonight. I rocked Tatum to sleep. Like fully asleep. If y’all know my child you know he likes one song after a book and put in his crib to sprawl out and get comfy on his own!! I took full advantage of the snuggles tonight. As I watched those ocean blue eyes close behind those long eyelashes (that he definitely got from his daddy because I rely on $4 ardell lashes) I reminsced on the past.

I remember that last push before he came into our world. I remember crying when Tucker left after his 72 hours home was up. It didn’t seem like long enough. Anxiety set in. I didn’t realize then that I had postpartum anxiety. I thought it was baby blues. I scrolled Instagram and saw new moms basking in newborn glory; sleep deprivation sure as hell was hidden as their faces were made up perfectly. I heard from others that people had it worse and that Tucker made great money and we were lucky. I felt shameful to say I was struggling. The words sat in my throat and only made their way from my lips as I would tell Tatum I was sorry as I rocked him. 2 weeks later Tucker signed a contract with the Reds and it was one of the happiest and most exciting times and I felt even deeper that I couldn’t share my truth. Money buys happiness, right? Wrong. I’ve realized postpartum anxiety shows up in weird ways. For me it resembled this…

-Please use hand sanitizer..This will be my fault if my child gets sick because I felt bad and didn’t ask you to use hand sanitizer because I didn’t want to offend you.

-Please make sure he is asleep on his back and you can see his chest moving…this is my baby, my life, my job… this will be on me if you put him to sleep on his stomach.

-Walking fast in public (mall, stadium, etc)… truly feel like I am running from something and I’m not sure what but something doesn’t feel right.

-Shower quick because you might not hear him and something could be wrong.

-Not accepting help because the worry of not having my eyes on him wasn’t a break. I worried more to be away.

-Always looking for an emergency exit… constantly thinking of worst case scenarios.

-Clamming up and saying “we’re all good”… I felt judged to say I am struggling, I feel like I can’t breathe, I think I need help, I just need to cry, I am in the mothaaa f ing trenches just let me vent, etc.

-I felt judged because: I don’t “work”, “You get to stay home with your baby”, “you’ll miss these days”, “at least Tucker isn’t in the military”, “at least he signed a multi million dollar contract”, “if you feel so bad, get a nanny”, “aren’t you glad you don’t have to go back to work and can sleep when he sleeps?”, “quit breastfeeding”, “my kid didn’t sleep for a year” and those are just a few phrases I was told. I felt guilty because I knew people who struggled and would give anything to have a baby, people who would give anything not to go back to work, people who would give anything to go back and do it again. I felt so damn guilty. Every single day. Guilt over feeling guilt. It was a really rough time.

But tonight as I rocked my almost 2 year old. I flashed back on those emotions. I thought about all of the happy times I may have missed because I was a wreck. I stopped myself from those thoughts and I watched his eyes flutter as he was falling asleep. I felt tears roll down my cheeks. I closed my eyes and imagined him as a newborn, as a one year old and felt the weight of his 30 pound almost 2 year old body. It was like I savored those 30 minutes and made up for times that I felt so sad. During all of those times my love for him has never ever wavered. I think I felt so anxious because I just wanted to do it all right, to be enough, to make sure he was okay. While I can’t go back and change how I felt I just wanted to share that it’s okay to admit you’re not okay. So much damn judgment in those early days when all we really need is support. Every single person has a different situation. It does NOT matter if someone has money, a great job, the best baby, the worst sleeper, a 24 hour nanny, or whatever it may be….postpartum anxiety and depression DOES NOT discriminate.

I envy moms who love the newborn phase and who truly enjoy every moment. I hope I can have that bliss next time but y’all let me tell ya…… This past year has made my heart so full. What a fun stage, a sweet stage, a challenging but so damn rewarding stage. I want time to slow down because these are the days. Those sticky little popsicle hands that wrap around my neck for a hug, the famous yellow bus that goes every place with us, the repeated phrases, the refreshing innocence, the “mommy daddy” instead of “mama dada” and every little smile, giggle, kiss and even the tantrums in between. This is my happy place. My comfortable stage. While 2 may be unpredictable…I am ready to make them terrific instead of the dreaded “terrible” twos. I am so ready to celebrate our truck lovin’ baby boy!!! Praise that we’ll head into the offseason with no teething since that’s all that he’s done for the past year!!!

Mamas…you aren’t alone if you feel anxiety or depression. Like I always say, I am here for alllll the mamas. Even if I really don’t know you, know you…I know the struggle. I am here. Also, talk to your doctor. They really are the best. 

                             Hugs,
                             Mrs. B