Our baby turns one tomorrow. I am so emotional (in the best way possible). This blog post is dedicated to our sweet, hilarious, animated, strong willed and busy babe Tatum.
I am currently sipping a glass of Chateau Montelana Chardonnay in bed. Tucker is with the guys working on a fantasy football draft #priorities. I just sang to Tatum while I rocked him and I didn’t want to let go. He likes to put himself to sleep so he gives me a few snuggles and then it’s time to sprawl out. He gets that from me. Team few snuggles and bye, I need my space. I wanted to hold him longer tonight. How has it been a year? This time last year I was anxiously waiting for Tucker at the hospital and wondering if Tatum would have hair. Would I need a c section? When will the pain set in? When can I eat again? Will the induction work? Would my gestational diabetes affect him? Would I be able to breastfeed? Who will he look like? Would I have postpartum? Surely not??? My whole world changed on August 31, 2017 at 4:13 pm. My world changed for the better. Tatum, my baby, this one is for you.
On August 31, 2017 at approximately 4:00 pm my OB told me “One last push, you got this” and I cried. Not from pain. I cried because I was cherishing the last few moments as just husband and wife. I was trying to hold on to every second of the few days that Tucker had home. I was scared. How would our lives change? I cried because I had a wonderful pregnancy and it didn’t seem like it was time. It went fast. Carpal tunnel, gestational diabetes, two false alarms, back labor and all. It flew by. I loved being pregnant. I was ready to meet Tatum Elliot Barnhart and I hoped he would love me as much as I loved him from the time I found out he existed. Fast forward 13 minutes. My heart felt like it could burst with love. We didn’t send him to the nursery. We wanted to cling to every second. I don’t remember much from the hospital except feeling so tired and so proud. It was love at first sight.
The first year has been nothing short of rewarding, humbling and full of love. Tatum, you have taught me so much. You’ve taught me how to be kind to myself. You’ve made me strong. You’ve taught me to trust my instinct. You’ve made me realize I can survive on next to no sleep. Breastfeeding stole my joy around month 4 and your gummy smile is what got me through each feed and tough time. You’ve made me selfless. You taught me that postpartum depression doesn’t discriminate. You’ve taught me that my time isn’t worth spending on others who aren’t appreciative or loving. You make me feel like a total badass. I tote you around everywhere to go see your daddy. My shoulders ache, my back aches, I cuss under my breath when I can’t get a carseat installed or a stroller broken down, I say so many times “this is the last road trip of the season, mama is TIRED” and then we get to our destination in one piece and we do it again. You somehow make every tough moment seem to disappear. You are a better passenger than most adults on a flight. You make me smile. You make me belly laugh. I have cried my tears of desperation and then you do a new trick. You prove to me that we are doing wonderful. You hit every milestone. You have a silly and dramatic personality (you don’t watch Housewives so don’t blame my reality tv someday). You are everything and more that we could ever want. You have forever changed our lives in the best way. You’ve been so wonderful that I’ll do this baby thing again. Hopefully your future sibling likes to sleep a tad more. Your innocence is refreshing. You make me better.
As the years go on my prayers will remain the same. I pray that you treat every single person with kindness. I pray that you are strong enough to walk away from decisions and situations that will harm you. I pray that you know how loved you are. I pray that you stand up for what you believe in. I pray that you are like your daddy…humble, generous, loving, smart, compassionate, competitive, kind, strong willed and stubborn. I pray that you are like me…outspoken, smart, strong, sensitive and empathetic with a side of theatrics. I pray that you dream big and love bigger. I pray that you’re never too cool for lunch or a snuggle with us. I pray that you see how hard your daddy works and that you strive to be a hard worker like him. Treat people with respect. Always respect women. Hold the door. Say thank you. You are so tiny now but someday you will go off and do big things. We will cry but we will be proud. You’ll fail at times and you’ll learn what it means to be humbled; knocked down a level but you’ll get up and keep going. My little love, be a light in this world. My sweet baby, happy first birthday. May we have 100 more together. My heart beats for you.
A little note for my angel, Tucker. Thank you for loving the shit out of me this past year. I have thrown tantrums. I have hated myself. I fell into depression when I thought I wasn’t enough. You built me up. You made me feel sexy when I felt like a rachet ass dumpling. You have cheered me on. You have encouraged me. You appreciate me. You praise me for being a wonderful wife and mama. You give us a wonderful life. I could never put into words how grateful I am to be a stay at home mom. Even when I say “fuck this fucking carseat, we aren’t going on the road because this mother fucking piece of shit carseat dumb fuck bullshit”. You let me rant. Then we laugh later. You have my back. You are my ride or die. I love you so much. This past year has been the best. PS, I’m ovulating so stay away but I love you.
SO MANY EMOTIONS. IN MY FEELINGS.
MAMA B
I love you, Sierra! Your language is as colorful as mine! Despite all my cursing, my children turned out ok!
Thank you for bringing all of us along on your journey. And Happy birthday to your little man!
It’s been a pleasure following your little family through this first year. Can’t wait to see what antics Tatum comes up with year two!
And Sierra-keep doing you.
Cuz you’re pretty awesome just the way you are.