SIX MONTHS.

   SIX MONTHS. Six months ago we welcomed Tatum Elliot Barnhart into the world. How the heck has it been six months??!! Six months ago I thought I knew love, fatigue, anxiety, selflessness and I thought I knew it all. I didn’t know shit. Plain and simple. My heart has exploded with love, my fatigue reached an all time high, my anxiety was dancing with depression, in hindsight my selflessness was a joke and all of the articles I read did not prepare me for my new life. A life that I now could not imagine any other way. Six months has changed me, bettered me, strengthened my relationship with the big man above, kicked me when I was down, lifted me when I thought I couldn’t take another night of no sleep and has shaped me into one badass woman who has overcome a hell of a lot in the past year. Six months….that all happened in six months technically 5 full months? I get so confused when I refer to the time that has passed #dontjudgeme. 
   Let’s celebrate my little babes half birthday! Two weeks ago he slept through the night and has continued to not cry out for me unless he needs his paci. He is sleeping. I am sleeping!!!! POP THE MF CHAMPAGNE! I think about future children and question if there is any way that another baby could be as happy as Tatum??? He is SO happy 24/7. He does this smile that is such a big grin that his nose crinkles and he squeaks like he is holding his breath. He raises his eyebrows. He started “waving”. He eats pureed baby food. He is almost sitting up by himself. He has a rat tail (it’s kind of the cutest thing ever). He says da da da but I don’t think he realizes he’s saying it because I’m like #heybudimmama but oooh my heart. He says aa aa aa probably because we listen to Mickey Mouse pandora in the morning and he loves the apples and banana song. I still sing “Bring Tatum figgy pudding oooooh bring Tatum figgy pudding, oh bring it right now” as I’m driving when he starts to fuss. He loves that damn Christmas carol. I’ve tried to sing other lyrics like “i n d e p e n d e n t do you know what that means” but he doesn’t like Boosie yet. These are the best days. They are going by so quickly. I am cherishing EVERY SINGLE MINUTE. 
   I am still as happy as ever that I chose to wean from breastfeeding and he is just as happy with formula. I sat at the game last week and it was time for him to eat. He was going wild hitting his bottle and I laughed to myself thinking about if I had to nurse him. Zero way that the people next to me wouldn’t have gotten a glimpse of a nip slip because that boy is a wild eater when he is hungry. I sat at the game and remembered the last game that I went to before Tatum was born. I was SO pregnant. SO swollen. My nose resembled Shrek and my waddle resembled a penguin. I looked down at my belly and felt pretty damn proud. I birthed a baby six months ago. I am strong and I am working on bettering me for our sweet babe. 
   Life is so sweet lately. When I think of future babies, I don’t think the newborn stage gets my ovaries bursting. It’s this stage. The best stage. THIS is my definition of baby fever. (Mom, I am not trying to get pregnant…calm down.) Those little dimpled hands. Those squeaks and squeals. Those tired cuddles. Those huge grins when waking from the night or a nap. Those are the moments that make my heart burst and my throat feel tight. I already miss him and he’s only been asleep for two hours. I finally feel like I am getting the hang of it and he gives me the confidence to try and make each day better than the previous day. What a crazy feeling…I am trying to be the strongest and best me for him and he doesn’t even know it. 

**I couldn’t finish this blog post without a special note to my Tucker.**
   My love,
You. You have helped me when I did not want help. You held me when I needed held. You gave it right back to me when I needed it. You called me out when I was being downright ridiculous. You tuck me in snug as a bug in a rug and even though I act like I am asleep…half of the time I’m not. I love your love for me. You are the best. You’ve encouraged me, supported me, cheered me on and told me when things have been too much for me. I work towards a better me but you already see the best version of me. I love you so incredibly much. You are so hott and it doesn’t hurt to see you in baseball pants again DAMN. Thank you for your unconditional love. pay you back by actually washing your clothes and not just fluffing in the dryer with a dryer sheet, trust me. You’re the effing best.