Lately

   This blog post won’t be the easiest to type but the reason I started this blog was to look back on the good, bad, happy, sad, crazy, dull and everything in between moments. This post will be one that I hope I can look back on in a few months and know that I made the right decision. It’s extremely personal to share this post but if it can help even just one other mom out there then it is worth it to share.
   I am unbelievably grateful for the blessings in my life. Most days I am so happy. Lately, I have been struggling. Not struggling with finding the good in each day or getting out of bed. Struggling with guilt. Emotionally beating myself up so bad that my stomach hurts. About what? None other than breastfeeding. I’ve shared that lately this journey has had its ups and downs but recently it seems to be a lot more downs than ups. I’ll start from the beginning.
   Tatum was born 8/31/17 at 4:13 pm. I knew I wanted to breastfeed him and I set no goals for myself but to ensure that he was fed and that I maintained some form of happiness through the process. If he could not breastfeed, I would pump. If pumping did not work then I would be more than okay with formula. I am a FIRM believer in “fed is best”. 8/31/17 around 5 pm, Tatum latched on with little to no assistance. I had no pain. It was pure bliss. I said many times to Tucker during pregnancy “I have a feeling about Tatum. Two things. One: He is going to be a champ at breastfeeding, I can just feel it. Two: He is going to be so calm, I can just feel it.” Both are true. He was a champ at breastfeeding. I used Lanolin two times when I exclusively breastfed him (seriously I had no pain, it was miraculous considering the horror stories I heard of cracked and bloody nipples). He was an efficient eater and made it so easy on me.
    Around week 3 I noticed that everything I tried would not help his belly issues. I was advised to try giving up dairy and it changed things within 2 weeks. No constant screaming, not nearly as bad of gas pains for him, less crying at the boob and overall a happier baby. I gave up dairy without hesitation because it was for the sake of my baby feeling better. With each passing day, a dairy free lifestyle became easier and I could see the light at the end of the tunnel that someday I could have it again. Week 6 gave me a run for my money. He went through a huge growth spurt and I almost threw in the towel. Week 7-14 were average. Nothing crazy, same shitty sleep patterns but blissful breastfeeding. Week 15 is when things started to go downhill. He gained weight perfectly for the first 15 weeks. Week 15 he started losing weight. Week 15 is when I began to really fall apart. I leaned on my breastfeeding support group. 6 days after Tatum was born we attended our beloved breastfeeding support groups almost weekly sometimes twice a week. I felt empowered. I felt supported. I felt like a superhero. I felt exhausted. I felt defeated numerous times. I felt like THIS was motherhood. 
   Growth spurts were tough, he nursed almost every single hour for sometimes two days straight. I said so many times “I cannot do this another day” and yet I pushed through each hour. Waking every 2 hours at night to nurse was exhausting but that little milk filled smile at 2 am kept me going. We got into a routine and our journey felt seamless. It was wonderful. My favorite part of nursing him was this crazy little head shake with a wide open mouth and scrunched up nose right before he latched on. It brings tears to my eyes to even type because it was so damn cute. I read every hunger cue. I knew every cry. I even began to know my own cries. Cries that were due to sleep deprivation, cries that were due to questioning myself, cries that sometimes I just wanted a piece of pizza, cries that were due to being so damn proud of myself and cries that I had no reasoning for at all. Lately, there has been a lot of crying that stems from emotionally beating myself up. 
   Week 16 I decided to start pumping more since Tatum was losing weight so we could see exactly how much he was eating. He would only nurse for 3-4 minutes and then cry. He probably only wanted the letdown milk. I tried nursing in a dark room, a quiet room, walking around nursing, rocking and nursing, listening to music and nursing. Same result. He would eat 3-4 minutes and cry. So this started the process of me nursing him to keep my supply up and then offer him pumped milk to see if he was actually hungry. He was. This exact moment I started doing more work than I could have even imagined and our journey took a turn in a direction that makes me really sad. This was my typical day: nurse, offer pumped milk, pump later to get more milk to offer after next nursing session, beat myself up that I couldn’t pump much milk, Google how to get my supply up, do the Googled things to get my supply up, cry that it wasn’t working, cuss and shake my fists that I was done with this bullshit, question why I was doing this to myself. Then he would wake to eat and the smile on his face made those feelings of frustration and guilt disappear. Until the next time. And the next. And the next. This continued on until we saw our pediatrician around week 18 and he was STILL losing weight. 
   Time to supplement with formula. Soy, of course because of the dairy issue. I didn’t cry too much over this because my heart hurt so bad that he was not gaining weight. He loved the soy formula. The soy formula did not love him and his reflux. We ended up at the children’s hospital due to severe acid reflux that was imitating a seizure disorder. Appointment after appointment and anxiously awaiting EEG results, I beat myself up. I said “this never started until we introduced the soy formula” and I cried hours on end. I said “If I could have just made enough milk to keep him full and happy this wouldn’t have happened”. I now know that at some point he had to be introduced to other milk whether it was formula or milk when he is a year. I just couldn’t see that in the midst of watching my baby hurt. We stopped the soy to let his little system clear out before starting a new formula and I pumped and nursed around the clock to get my supply up again. The cycle of beating myself up started again. I
 became such an emotional fucking wreck that I didn’t feel worthy of even trying to get through this. I said to Tucker “I need help” and he replied “I cannot see you like this anymore, this is killing me. You’ve done this too long. It is time to stop this breastfeeding battle and let me help. Let others help you, babe, please”. I could see the plead on his face and hear the worry in his voice. I called the doctor and explained that the twitching had stopped, Tatum was doing wonderful on his reflux meds and we were ready to try a new formula (as scared as I was that his reflux would flare up again, I knew the dark battle I was facing could not go on). We started Nutramigen and he hated it. Absolutely hated that shit. It smells like moldy Cheez Its. We gave it almost 2 weeks, I continued to pump and nurse so he could at least have something on his belly. He would not take more than 2 ounces of the Nutramigen. I would throw the full bottles across the kitchen crying and begging God to please help me. I could hear his belly growl. I felt guilty. I put myself through hell again because I wanted him to be full and happy. My milk made him happy. I finally called the doctor and begged for answers and they suggested Alimentum formula. It took a few tries and he actually likes it (or tolerates it when very warm) and I am so grateful. Between the stress of his health scare, my emotions and my guilt I do not make near enough to pump and feed him for fullness. 
   This next sentence makes me cry hard, I feel it deeply. I don’t know when was the last time I nursed Tatum. I think it was a few days ago. We are settling in at our spring training house and I think the last time I nursed him was a 4 am feed. I cry because I thought I would determine my last nursing session. I thought I would soak it all up. I could go back and nurse him one last time but emotionally I can’t. I have to be strong in this process and I know if he does that crazy little head shake with a scrunched up nose that my heart will shatter into a million pieces and the guilt will start over. So for now, I will pump and supplement formula and watch the adorable videos of those SWEET, sweet times that I will forever cherish. 
   I have been an emotional wreck and I am so sad to start weaning from pumping and moving to all formula but my baby and my husband need me again. The me that is happiest. That doesn’t dread the next feed because I am an emotional fucking basket case. I put myself first starting today and it feels terrible. I know it will be the best thing in the end but right now it feels like I am letting Tatum down. He is the smiliest happy little guy when I go get him from his nap and for some reason I think to myself that he won’t do that when I take my milk away from him. Ridiculous I know, but that is she shit I am losing sleep over right now. Today I decided to start weaning from pumping. I posted on one of my breastfeeding support groups today and asked for advice on how to wean from pumping and got bombarded with some shocking and disappointing answers. The replies varied from “Have you replaced your pump parts to get maximum output?” to ” Can you try for 6 weeks longer, it IS flu season”. And now I see red. Excuse my language but FUCK YOU. I just poured my heart out asking for help during an extremely emotional time and how to wean so I can get my happiness back and I was pretty much shamed. I know it is flu season, you stupid woman. Yes, I have replaced my pump parts (I ordered new shit monthly out of desperation to get more milk). Those are not the answers I was hoping I would get to my question.
   I now know that this post was worth it to share. If you know any moms going through this or if you are a mom going through this, you are NOT alone. All I ask for is support during the last chapter of this journey and any advice is much appreciated (however, if it is advice to get my supply back up…save it. I cannot do this again). FOR THE RECORD: I don’t judge people who never breastfed and gave formula from day one. I say a happy mom is worth more than liquid gold breastmilk. So why can’t I take my own advice??? I am trying. Really really trying. Tatum is doing the cutest things right now and really developing a personality and I just don’t want to look back on these days and only remember being worried about a stupid fucking breastpump. Excuse the language in this post but it’s quite light compared to the things I have said out loud in this home recently. As always, thank you all for the support.