Dear Santa,

• I would like for Princeton to not go bat shit crazy every single time he sees the UPS driver, hears the wind blow, sees a child getting off of the school bus or hears the “B” initial on our wreath hitting the front door.
• I would like to sleep again (more than 2 hours at a time preferably).
• I would like for you to accidentally hit a few people with your big bag of gifts and knock some common sense into them no explanation needed.
• I would like my half ass luscious hair that is currently wadded in my brush from losing approximately 348 strands a day back on my head.
• I would like for every parking lot to have a “Reserved for:Driver with young children” spot. Let’s not limit it to a “Mom’s Spot” because we all know the dads out there need it too!! This would eliminate me leaving trashy notes regarding their piss poor parking on peoples car while praying they don’t catch me leaving it on their window.
• I would like a custom made milk dispensing lifelike boob for Tucker to wear at 11 pm, 2 am and 5 am so he can feed Tatum (bonus points if it looks like identical to mine so Tatum doesn’t reject it).
• I would like for the lady at Target who gave me a shitty look and didn’t budge while I said “excuse me” twice while Tatum was screaming to know that I apologize for slinging her cart out of my way twice while saying an f word that doesn’t have un after it. I only am apologizing so hopefully I am back on the “Nice” list.
• I would like for the cashier at Meijer to know that I am sorry for not using the bar to separate my order from the dumbass person in front of me which led her to wiggle the bar in my face and let me know what the bar is used for…which led to me hiss say “This is not my first time shopping at a grocery store, I know what the bar is for and I am going on approximately 3 hours of sleep bitch under my breath so excuse me for my mistake” Again only apologizing for the “Nice” list.
• I would like for my bladder to go back to pre pregnancy days. If not, throw some Depends in my stocking.
• While we’re at it I might as well add that I would like a dairy free ice cream that doesn’t taste like it’s pumped full of fake sugar, gritty and flat out disgusting.
• I would like for everyone at my weekly breastfeeding support group to get a full night of sleep a few times a week (they need it as much as I do) and to know that they are rockstar moms.  
• I would like for all new moms that are made to believe being a mom is so easy and glamorous due to social media to know that…well quite frankly…that’s bullshit. Being a mom isn’t for the weak. It is hard. You are not alone. Reach out for help if you need it and don’t be ashamed. You are doing so great. Pour a glass of wine or sparkling water and take in all of the good times, hard times, chaos and utter happiness. We’re going to miss these days in the blink of an eye.

   
   Hopefully my obnoxiously embarrassing behavior that caused Tucker to take Tatum out to the car for my Target episode (still blaming it on the hormones) didn’t completely outshine my NICE side this year. I should probably include less cussing, less outbursts of rage, less shitty notes being left on cars, more patience and more cardio (more indicates I already do cardio…I count breastfeeding as cardio LOLOLOL that little guy is heavy AF) for my 2018 resolutions.